Study finds all stereotypes are true.

One of a billion.

Following a 17-year, multi-continental study, the International Council on the Humanities has released a report determining that all stereotypes are, in reality, completely true. Going directly against the previously held and universally accepted notion that stereotypes were both false and offensive, the study proposes the exact opposite to be true: Stereotypes should not be found offensive stemming directly from the idea that they are solid facts in and of themselves.

"When we started analyzing the results of the study, we thought for sure something was wrong with our methods...the numbers just didn't seem right," said Dr. Sanjay Mehta, the study's lead doctor: a man with an impressive work-ethic, arranged marriage and a house that smells strongly of spices and seasonings. "But after turning over the data to our superior mathematical offices in Hong Kong and Beijing and learning from them that no errors were made, we knew this was no mistake. We had stumbled onto something groundbreaking.”

The study, only months away from entering its 18th year, encountered many major setbacks over the years. In 1997, an unfortunately large amount of important statistical documents were lost when the laboratory maid, illegal alien Ms. Rosa Lopez, mistakenly threw them away while cleaning the Council's offices. When later questioned, Ms. Lopez admitted (through a translator) to have been not paying attention to what she was doing, which she attributed to being very tired from tending to her 12 children. Were it not for a series of high-interest loans given by Jewish bankers and funds raised by the small group of homosexuals that run Hollywood, the study would have certainly been halted.

Tehran High's Homecoming King

Dr. Wei-Lin Nguyen was an associate director on the study; she also took flute lessons as a child and is a terrible driver. "Without the Jews and the Hollywood Gays, there's no way we could have seen this through to the end," said Nguyen from the car phone of her customized Acura Integra. "Now that the study is completed, we're all very excited to say the least. Dr. O'Conner and Dr. McManus are hosting the wrap party next week. They're both great colleagues, redheads and raging alcoholics. The party should be a blast."

The Journal of American Science, which plans on publishing the study's controversial findings, has elected to print two independent copies of the results: an English version and one in Ebonics or "Ghetto-squack" as it is referred to in the study.

"In the end, we hope these findings help the world better understand that every nationality and every race, even those crazy, suicidal Arabs, have equally petty and equally hilarious idiosyncrasies and shortcomings...and that all of them are true," said Inge Johanssan, the Council's public relations director: a devoted public servant and tall, blonde nymphomaniac. "Only when people are able to look at themselves and laugh will they truly be able to see themselves for what they are."

"Except for blind people. They can't see anything."

Being-a-Child-in-Hawaii Syndrome

Citing the economic benefits and overall convenience, Your Friend defensively announced yesterday that he has returned to living with his parents “just till he gets back on his feet”.

College expenses, poor financial planning and bad credit all influenced Your Friend’s decision to reclaim his childhood bedroom in the two story colonial house owned by his parents Cliff, (52) and Judy (51).

“Putting that spring break trip to Puerto Vallerta on my Visa fucked me over big time.” Your Friend explained. “I’m just going to be living at home until I can get that paid off, then I’m out of here.”

From there, the justification continued: “It’s really not that bad at all. My bedroom is in the basement, so it’s kind of like my own apartment down there. Except sometimes my mom comes down to do laundry.”

Not Too Shabby

Your Friend assures you that his parents are “totally cool”, allowing him to drink alcohol and eat whatever he wants out of the fridge at any time. “I forgot what it was like to have real ‘parent food’ at my disposal. There’s always lunch meat and milk and all that expensive shit that I would never think about buying if I was living on my own. So that’s pretty cool.”

The Roomies

As beneficial as the move home has been. Your Friend acknowledges some difficulty in the transition. “I have to smoke outside now cause my mom’s not having it, and it’s not like I can bring a girl home if I hook up at the bar or anything. My parents would probably be cool with it, but that would just be too fucking weird. I also have to walk Juniper (the family dog) all the goddamned time.”

Despite these drawbacks, Your Friend remains positive about his homecoming experience, at least on the surface. “It’s only temporary. I’m going to start looking at houses to buy here pretty soon.”

Your Friend was then forced to end the phone interview because his parents were trying to watch “Law and Order”. -M. Polk

QUIVER 2005- Click on sketch to enlarge

Nastiness

This is nasty: a sludgepool filled with crap that takes the shape of the Australian continent.

What is nastier?
1. Sampling a rare Japanese holiday ale that costs $8.50 for a 12 oz. bottle and tastes like the sludgepool above, or a tad bit better.

or...

2. A fresh steaming poo pile in 20 degree weather.

In any case, the Hitachino Nest Celebration Ale 2006 gets a 11/20. Mahalo.

Surf Rage Poem by Ambrose M. Curry III

angry people give off radiation
I choose not to get close enough
to get radiation burns.
the likelyhood of anger imploding
and checking the spread of anger
is the path I find comfortable
confront anger or buy in to the radiation
burns are inevitable.
waiohai is a bone of contention.
when there is little surf the only surf i at waiohai.
I am pleased to say I have not surfed a wave at waiohai for over 25 years
to avoid the rocks and crowd.
I rather surf blown out shifty mysto hard to ride spots
than condescend to the pits of dispair
offered up as recreation at spots like waiohai.
surfing prowess is not measured in pugalistic
terms ever.fighting aint surfing.
bullys are not surfers
limited wave resources?
psychosis?
genetics?
poorly directed training?
you choose...
I choose not to know some people
pointedly.
god bless em all

...ambrose...

I knew a kid once
before he started robbing cars
and beating people up
and going to jail...
ambrose m.curry III

"2"

Tennis Courts

Go fast and carvy!

Tavarua, Fiji in August 2006?

Matt Calvani & Margaret Yao. Nice pics from 2005!

Margaret dropped me a line inviting Pam and I to Tavarua in August with Matt and Bing. So tempting, but I have to stay focused on endo! Sorry! We'll take a raincheck on that one until 2007.

Nuts!

Good one, good one...

organ grinder monkeys may be selling you surf wax

Monkey, monkey! Click on me!

el fin del dia en el norte de Hawaii

A heart inscribed on the sand is all we have left to remember of the day.

Dogfish Head Saison d'etre- 16/20
Brooklyn Brown Ale- 18/20
Thirsty Dog Amber Ale- 18.5/20 (I think Ten Stone mixed up the tap lines and this was actually Blue Point Winter Ale)
Old Dominion Oak Barrel Stout- Smells like vanilla, tastes like flat half and half- 16/20
Troegs Rugged Trail Nut Brown Ale- 18.5/20 Great nutty aftertaste
Stoudts Scarlet Lady- 17/20
Sly Fox Pale Ale- 15/20
1/2 Hoegaarden, 1/2 Lindemans Lambic a.ka. "dirty ho" or "dirty slapper" -18.5/20 The strawberry lemonade of beers.

In Trim

There's always a ripper chick at every break in Hawaii. Learn to respect them! This one brings the classic longboard style to mine. Sucks to be the guy in the back catching up on the potato chip.

Where I draw the line

Dr. Mark: cuttie on his right coast beachbreak.

I used to surf here with Mark, when the water was warmer. All I had was a 4/3mm. When the water went cold to the 40s, I quit and started spending more time reading about endo and delving into Belgian ales. All the while, Marc continued ripping at his homebreak.

San Onofre 2001

The M.O. is to drive from Venice and spend a few days in Pacific Beach. South Orange County is a fun place for a sunset barbeque and a surf. It's a natural stop along the way. Pacificos on the beach at Old Man's are permitted.

Welcome to the family (in California)

9'8" C.J. Nelson Model by Bob Pearson.

Thanks, Porfilio, for picking it up in Hermosa Beach. 2 carnitas tacos from El Terasco are coming your way in February.

BTW-
Flying Fish Grand Cru Winter Ale really isn't a winter ale: 12/20
Lindeman's Framboise tastes like Bartel and James Rasberry with a tablespoon of sorbet. 17/20
Victory Golden Monkey- Belgian-inspired, but with a really creepy and tacky label 17/20.

Unibroue creations (Maudite, Trois Pistoles, Le Fin du Monde, Ephemere, Terrible) and Lancaster Amish 4 Grain (Draught, not bottled. This is categorized as a Pale Ale? Come on now.) are the winners of December 2005.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Fantastic Head of Ale!

Ommegang Three Philosophers- 18/20
General Lafayettes Double Thunder- 17/20 (could only drink 1/2 pint)

The San Diego Update

J.P. St. Pierre, of Moonlight Glassing in San Diego County, had this to say about the current foam blank situation (from a Surfer Magazine BB thread). It's been a month since the hourglass got flipped over. Take it, as you would anything, for what it's worth:

Here is your report/update:

There are at least a dozen serious players trying to start up new foam companies. Fortunes will be made and lost no doubt. In a year it will be great for you the surfer because you will be able to work with your shaper and pick and choose the best blank for the board you want.

In the meantime, containers of blanks are on the way from South Africa, Australia, Argentina and other locales. The quality will vary and shapers spoiled by Clark's low tolerance blanks will suffer while those with knowledge of rocker and skilled with a hand planer will emerge as the craftsmen that they are.

The cost of these blanks are all over the map and mostly unknown. How this will affect you, the surfboard buyer, is unknown.

It could be awhile before we see a foam company offer the wonderful variety of stringer options and layups that Clark offered, I suggest you buy any groovy board out there you with unique stringers you come across.

Surfers all over are bitter at the retail shops that jacked up the prices on boards while the shops that did one board per customer at the original prices earned respect.

Many glass shops have run out of blanks to work on and some are switching to epoxy. The question is, is it economically possible to work out the bugs of epoxy in a short time and do production so rent and bills get paid? The other main question is, which "epoxy" do they focus on? Which foam and which resin? Many glass shops are left hanging while shapers decide what path to take.

I haven't heard of any glass shops closing down yet but I fear it may happen soon. The honest glass shops may perish but hopefully they will get support from somewhere.

A lot of people don't realize this, especially in the surf media, but glass shops do not glass boards willy nilly. It is the SHAPERS who decide which foam they shape a board out of and how it will be glassed. The shapers decide which brand of cloth to use, how many layers, the width of the laps, patches, what resin to use, everything! Much of this influence comes from the retail shops who would rather have the cheapest whitest board possible instead the strongest.

I am trying to create a new paradigm in the surfboard industry where the glass shop can no longer be scapegoated by the shapers. From now on the shapers have to mark the fins correctly and have to fill out the order card accurately. No more, "Oops I forgot to shape that customer's board I will just blame the delay on the sander and shape it today and get the board rushed through and no extra expense to me."

Ever see that old Fritz Lang film Metropolis? The heart must be the mediator for the hands and the head.

On the home front typing this in my glass shop I see the racks full. It seems that everyone wants their last precious Clark blanks done with color work which we specialize in. People keep asking if we are going to start doing epoxy. I tell them that first the question should be, are you going to start doing epoxy AGAIN.

I am making a deal with the epoxy pundits, if a straight up honest California glass shop with legal employees and worker's comp. insurance can go one year doing epoxy without losing a ton of money and nobody has health problems then I will embrace it.

I am asking all surf magazine editors to stop publishing the word "unbreakable" with epoxy. This really puts everyone who makes surfboards in a tight spot. If a wave lands on a board right the board will break, I don't care what material or method it was made with. If the retail shop rat tells some kids mom that a board is unbreakable and the kid breaks it drama follows.

I think 2006 could be what I imagine 1968 was like, a lot of experimentation. Hopefully we will end up with fantastic interesting surfboards to ride. There is a chance the retail shops could be filled with cheap imported generic boards this summer. The flip side is that the custom movement seems to be energized by the threat of it going away.

3 bitter chumps

Never in my life have I ever wanted to end up on one of these websites. The Paparazzi snipered us. We were just trying to have a couple ales while discussing local neighborhood politics. Jeez.

How about some more reviews?
Rogue Mocha Porter 17/20
Lindeman's Kriek Lambic 17/20
Samuel Smiths Brewery Pale Ale 13/20
Chimay Ale 17.5/20
Brooklyn Pilser 18/20
Victory Brown Ale

Nelson Noserider is the Best of All-Time

Sunset at The Point

Still my favorite wave in the world is the one I learned on many moons ago...

Gibson's Steakhouse Club

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou!

Be mindful in 2006.

Photo:JPSP