One of a billion.
"When we started analyzing the results of the study, we thought for sure something was wrong with our methods...the numbers just didn't seem right," said Dr. Sanjay Mehta, the study's lead doctor: a man with an impressive work-ethic, arranged marriage and a house that smells strongly of spices and seasonings. "But after turning over the data to our superior mathematical offices in Hong Kong and Beijing and learning from them that no errors were made, we knew this was no mistake. We had stumbled onto something groundbreaking.”
The study, only months away from entering its 18th year, encountered many major setbacks over the years. In 1997, an unfortunately large amount of important statistical documents were lost when the laboratory maid, illegal alien Ms. Rosa Lopez, mistakenly threw them away while cleaning the Council's offices. When later questioned, Ms. Lopez admitted (through a translator) to have been not paying attention to what she was doing, which she attributed to being very tired from tending to her 12 children. Were it not for a series of high-interest loans given by Jewish bankers and funds raised by the small group of homosexuals that run Hollywood, the study would have certainly been halted.
Tehran High's Homecoming King
The Journal of American Science, which plans on publishing the study's controversial findings, has elected to print two independent copies of the results: an English version and one in Ebonics or "Ghetto-squack" as it is referred to in the study.
"In the end, we hope these findings help the world better understand that every nationality and every race, even those crazy, suicidal Arabs, have equally petty and equally hilarious idiosyncrasies and shortcomings...and that all of them are true," said Inge Johanssan, the Council's public relations director: a devoted public servant and tall, blonde nymphomaniac. "Only when people are able to look at themselves and laugh will they truly be able to see themselves for what they are."
"Except for blind people. They can't see anything."